I will never cease to be amazed by God. There is so much to learn about Him. Being at a bible school in Michigan has been so eye opening and humbling. God is so GREAT! I am such a sinner. And I fall short. Yet somehow God cared enough to send His Son Jesus who is the Christ to earth to die for my sins, and then He rose again and sits at God’s right hand today! What a beautiful example of extraordinary sacrificial unconditional love. We can never plumb the depths of His grace. He views me as redeemed because I placed my faith in Jesus Christ. Christ has redeemed me and now God views me as His child. And now I am continually learning more about His character. I have so many questions and I am getting some answers here at school. But the biggest thing that I am trying to do is be open to God teaching me. There are so many times where I think I know what’s going on, but I can be so wrong in my thinking. God is faithful in my life though. As I get to know people see the pain and agony they have endured, I question God. I try not to, but sometimes I still ask how He could be good. I’ve been learning a lot about God’s goodness despite the pain and heartache in this world. I don’t understand it all yet, but maybe I will never truly grasp it. I see the suffering people have endured that God has used for good. It blows me away that God can use such suffering to reach more people and instill a deeper trust in Him. Going through pain will either bring you closer to God or farther away. I want to draw closer to God every day because the truth is; He is the only constant thing in this world. His perfect character will never change.
At bible school we are challenged to be at rest with God. To rest in His promises, His truth and unchanging attributes. I’ve always known that I need to be at rest in Him, but lately I wonder if I really do rest in Him. To find all my needs fulfilled in Him. Is God enough for me? Do I question His motives as Job did? I have so much to learn of His sovereign goodness. God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are His ways my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). There are a lot of things in life I don’t understand… Like suffering. Pain and sorrow. The millions of people who suffer because they are so underprivileged. Basically I’ve just been looking at my life and examining whether I’ve been living God’s truth in my daily walk. If I truly am at rest in Him then will I worry about the future so much? Would I really question what happens in this world like God owes me an explanation? I think the more I get to know God, and rest in Him, the more I will trust Him, and the less I will question Him.
I think as a Christian there is always something you are struggling with or something God is teaching you. It’s been really cool to see how God uses people to challenge and to encourage me in my walk of faith, as well as seeing other people grow in their faith. Something I have been personally challenged and convicted with this past year is the fear I have allowed to overwhelm me. Even control aspects of my life. I had a friend point out the fear in my life one day at school. I denied it right away, shrugged it off insisting that he was wrong. Who was he to think I walk around scared? But as I said goodnight, and lay in the darkness of my room- those words stuck in my heart. They wouldn’t stop ringing in my ears. Was it true? Was I full of fear? Of course it was true. I always knew I had fear in my life. I never saw, however, the negative affects it was having on me. I had been blinded, thinking this fear that was encasing me was in fact normal. God revealed to me that it is not how He intended me to live. Slowly, I started praying, and God took the blinders off my eyes. As He slowly peeled away layers of fear, I began to experience…. freedom! Beautiful freedom from crippling fear. Just by praying and surrendering it to God. I am still fighting this battle, but God is so faithful and patient!! He showed me this verse the other day that I quickly wrote out and taped to my bible.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
~2 Timothy 1:7
And in my pain
I shall praise You.
As sure as the sun that rises,
So is Your love.
For the broken and heavy laden,
You remain as constant as the air.
As countless tears fill the sea,
You know why each one falls.
You hear the cry of our hearts,
In the weakest of moments.
Thank You for being strong,
Whenever we are weak.
My soul is heavy my God!
Won’t you show me Your face?
Wil You be my comforter,
Through the raging storm.
Do not desert me!
Nor my family,
When we need you the most.
You are God alone,
I know Your name.
Jehovah, Yahweh, Elohim,
Messiah, Saviour, King of Kings!
Redeemer, Comforter, Healer.
Worthy of every honour and praise.
God are you there?
Tell me can you hear my tears,
as they slide from my eyes
and settle in my heart.
I utter words inadequate:
Please make intercession for me LORD!
Say the words I cannot form,
be the voice I do not have.
Show me Your truth God!
I need You so much.
In the breaking of my heart-
I seek You.
I go to You,
For where else would I go?
You are my hope and rock.
Though times I cannot see You,
I think perhaps you have turned
Your steadfast face away from Your people.
But God You shout to us
in the darkest nights,
when my grief swallows me,
and I no longer feel hope.
You remind me LORD;
Hope from you is not dependent
on the fleeting feelings of my heart.
Praise Your name!
In the good and bad,
in the heights of my joy,
and the depths of my sorrows;
I thank You and praise You.
You are God. That I am sure of.
All things are but a vapor,
but Your love alone is constant.
To You be the glory forever,
Oh LORD who reigns on High!
Oh God my heart is heavy,
As I ponder you tonight.
I gaze at the tar coloured sky,
as the twinkling blazes of light appear.
I allow my mind to wonder,
to the things of You;
Eternity. Paradise. Forgivness.
These three things are very far from my grasp.
Perhaps, my Lord, it was never meant
for someone such as I to understand.
Mayhap, there are such wonders far too wondrous,
that the human heart cannot comprehend.
I thank thee for the mysteries!
As the light pierces the darkness,
So you slayed darkness on your cross of light and hope.
Redemption. Salvation. Restoration.
I don’t know why I write on this. It’s more like an online diary- no one really cares what I have to write on here. Sometimes it feels like I would burst if I didn’t write my heart and share it though. Tonight He is one my mind. The one who somehow got a hold of my heart. God. I have truly fallen in love with God. I always thought it absurd when people spoke of being in love with God. My mind is learning more and more about who God is and my heart is overflowing with love, gratitude and amazement. I feel breathless in His presence. I am overwhelmed and left speechless. From the times I stare into a clear night sky and see how small I am, to reading the bible in the quite of the morning with my own orchestra of birds singing praises to God; I fall to my knees in reverence, I dance at His feet with joy and I sing along with the melody of the chirping birds to shout glory to Jehovah God my LORD! All I know is that I am in love with the creator of the universe. I am captivated, and I hope to never lose this wonder.